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One year later..

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A year….

I can’t even believe I’m using the words that it’s been a whole year since we lost my Grandad, it’s actually quite scary how quick it’s gone but at the same time it feels like forever since I last spoke to him, I know that doesn’t really make much sense, even reading it back I don’t even know what I mean..

Those of you that have been following me for some time may have read my post last year when he died, it was all very emotional and part of me regrets writing it because, well you know, somethings should be left private.. but it genuinely helped, whether it was just the process of simply writing how I feel without being interrupted, giving me time to reflect on how I actually did feel, or whether it’s the fact that sometimes, I just get in that mood where I want to remember the raw details that I read it back.

Is it weird that I like to get upset about him? It feels like an almighty weight has been lifted from my shoulders when I sit in my room, on my own, and just talk to him. I’m not religious, never have been, and I honestly don’t what I ‘believe’ about where he’s gone or what happens next, but it helps and a part of me enjoys that sensation of crying over him, remembering just how much I love him.

On the anniversary of his death my mum and I went out for lunch and decided to just spend a nice hour together, not think too much about what was happening the previous year, but just enjoy each others company and we even had a giggle about what Grandad would have chosen off of the menu if he was with us, but things changed when I got home and that light hearted feeling disappeared as it dawned on me that he died ‘over a year ago’. I started questioning as to am I still allowed to get upset when I think about him, I don’t want people to think I'm dragging something out for sympathy, but it just still doesn’t feel real. 

The hardest part so far for me was that evening, I promised myself that I was going to do something on the anniversary, and that day was here.. It was time to turn my ‘call grandad’ reminder off. Yes, I had a 7pm reminder go off every night when he was alive as this was the best time to call - before corro. I couldn’t bring myself to turn it off, but I knew it was’t something that could go on forever. Turning that reminder off, hurt, a lot, it was like I was privately saying goodbye all over again.

So here we are, 1 year and 7 days in since losing him.. it doesn't seem 5 minutes since I wrote this one 9 months ago.


It get’s easier, of course it does, but along with that comes guilt - because it feels easier. Guilt that the other day I had the thought ‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy before’ and then I started hating on myself for feeling that happy when he’s not here anymore. I’m guessing over time that guilt feeling will fade..?

Anyway, I'm really happy and like I said, I feel bad about that, so again, I'm not writing this for sympathy. I just know that I feel better sometimes reading others experiences and realising that I'm not on my own with some of the weird thoughts and feelings that go through my head.. well, I hope I'm not anyway!



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