These are my confessions..

Hey there lovelies,

Wow, can you believe we are over halfway through January already!? Mental! Then I realised my last post was over two weeks ago..! Woops! How these 'blogger' girls manage to do 2 posts a week I just don't know!...

....Actually, that's a big fat lie.

I do know & it's only very recently that I've accepted it... everyone I follow on here, stalk on Instagram or watch on YouTube works part time &..is.. dare I say it.. younger than me. Ouch.

I think I had a mini meltdown a couple of weeks ago, it wasn't the first time I've felt like that before, but it was just so unexpected this time! I'm in an amazing relationship, I love my real life job & I have some of the best friends I could wish for.. but something just happened & I woke up one day feeling, erm, pretty shitty.

I started questioning why do I do Cordelia, is it for money? Is it for more friends?! Is it because I'm bored with my real life? Do people judge me? I just started asking myself everything under the sun over and over again & was so desperate to find answers because I'm pretty sure that it's none of the above. Then I just thought, you know what, who actually cares why I do it? As long as I'm not hurting anyone & it's something I enjoy, then I might as well carry on.. but it's the age thing I think that is the underlying issue, I have a pretty big birthday coming up next month, my 30th! and for the first time in my life I've really let it bother me.

I started wondering if people use the words 'she's too old' about me & I couldn't help but let it get to me (even though I've NEVER heard anyone even hint that they think that!) I'm just not stupid enough to think that it hasn't crossed someone's mind, 'coz it's certainly crossed mine! Should a 30 year old be taking outfit selfies? Talking to a camera in her bedroom on her own? Chatting away to people she's never met in real life. Even as I write this I still have to question it.

Why do girls (women!haha) read in to things so much? I literally nearly deleted everything social media related.. my facebook, my instagram & even this blog.. just because I was beginning to get too concerned of what others might think.

Well, something (thank goodness!) changed! It could be due to the fact that Stuart gave me a bloody good shake & reminded me how much I love what I do, or it could be one of the following:

1) I deleted my personal Facebook account. (temp! haha)

I've been wanting to do it for a while to be honest, I was getting a bit bored of seeing the same old thing on there. I read into things I shouldn't. I got involved with conversations that didn't involve me. I was getting annoyed with myself for posting pointless statuses, or only if I had something to show off about - & I just decided I didn't want to be that person. I'll probably be back on it soon, but in a much more private way, & that flippin' 'F' on my phone screen for easy access is being deleted.
Plus, it's made me realise how amazing it feels to keep things private!
Yes, my phone is still in my hand at all times, because I'm pretty much obsessed with Pinterest & instagram.. but hey, babysteps & all that! :)

2) Back at the gym.
Like every other person I know, this Christmas I indulged! I absolutely flippin' went for it! & I woke up on January 1st with the flu. It was just such a crappy start to the new year & I told myself that as soon as I got rid of being ill, something was changing. So I'm back in the gym! I've been so lucky that a couple of weeks ago a 'Pure Gym' opened in Nottingham & it's under 5 mins walk from my house.. so I literally have no excuse. Plus, I've got some bloody amazing work mates & we've all joined together, which really helps as we can slap each others wrists through the day when the 4pm chocolate pangs kick in!

3) Booked a holiday.
Wow, what a difference having something exciting to look forward to makes! Stu & I booked a holiday this weekend & it's just given me a huuuuge positivity boost, which I know is pretty normal, but I've not had that feeling for a while. Last year we went away but it was a really last minute thing to Lanzarote - you can read all about it here - Summer Holidays  - so we didn't really have the whole build up feeling like this time. I'm exciiiiiitedd!!

4) Development at work.
Ok, so this one's a bit boring, but if you've read this far then I guess you're kind of interested to read 'about me'. I went back to work (Boots HO) in Jan & decided to have 'the chat' with my manager about next steps in my career. I was nervous as I've only been in my role 6 months, but the reaction was brilliant & it turns out that was the plan all along. Why didn't I just ask sooner?! :)


5) I'm focusing on Cordelia more than ever
So instead of deleting everything, I've decided to throw myself into it even further! I want to work with some more bloggers to get the brand out there to others, I've got a couple of exciting collaborations with other brands coming up and .. I've set up a YouTube channel! EEEK! You can subscribe here - Cordelia Hearts - although, if you click on that link you will see that I've only got one video up haha.. I'm working on it I promise! ;)

So there we go, a few changes made & I can't even describe to you how different...actually.. better.. I feel. There's still some things that need working on.. accepting my age being one of them! I'm starting my 'new year new me' a little later than everyone else, I guess I didn't realise I even wanted to in the first place.

Love, Jenn x

Ps, if you're reading this & you are over the age of 30, please don't think I'm calling 30 old!! I'm very aware it's not.

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Labels: about me , Boots , confessions , gym , January , new year , youtube